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By Debra Gould, MS Part Four In A Four Part Series As the poet Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: Finish each day and be done with it.  There’s nothing more comforting than coming home after a bad day to find your loving partner waiting with a sympathetic ear (and maybe even a glass of wine). But then there are those days when you both come home needing love and patience – the problem then is that it’s hard for either of you to give it. Add to that the responsibilities of family life, and two bad moods can cause a clash and bad feelings over – nothing. Or possibly the argument is over something that should be talked at a time you’re both ready to deal with a more contentious subject. It’s hard to have perspective on difficult days. But for the sake of your relationship, and out of respect for each other, don’t go to bed mad. As tempting as it might be to simply roll away and turn out the lights, this is not a healthy for the body, mind, or marriage. Anger fuels the creation of cortisol, the stress hormone. Cortisol is linked to chronic diseases such as high blood pressure and cancers. Learning to let go of strife might not only save your marriage, it could literally save your life. If you ever find yourself harboring bedtime anger, consider the following:
Most of all remember that holding onto anger is a habit that will ultimately tear two people apart. On the other hand, love, compassion, and generosity of spirit are guaranteed to hold you together. Debra W. Gould, MS is the president of Debra Gould & Associates, Inc. based in New Orleans and provides management consulting and training services to commercial and government clients. Debra is one of the founders of The Ebony Speakers and co-author of the book, Real Women, Real Issues - Positive Collaborations For Business Success. Debra can be reached at: (504) 244-6576, email: djgould@gouldassoc.com and website: www:gouldassoc.com
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By Debra Gould, MS Part Three In A Four Part Series  In “Growing Together, Part One” I gave some advice on growing as a couple even when your life is hectic. But I know that for some couples, the simple solutions of direct communication and being positive – while an important place to start – might not be enough to make the changes you truly need to enrich your marriage.
There are times in almost every marriage where partners must commit to growing spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and even physically as individuals and a couple (and if you already have children, as a family). Very often in these cases, one or both partners are caught in the trap of “if only.” Does any of this sound familiar? If only my partner would do this (or stop doing that). If only we had more money. If only I could lose weight. If only we didn’t feel so stressed. If only we weren’t so tired. If only the kids would listen. If only… What we’re really saying when we say ‘if only’ is ‘this is out of my hands, it will never change.’ In certain cases, that may even be true – ultimately, the only things we can control are our own thoughts and actions. But then again, in many cases, with forethought, effort, and a plan, we can overcome each obstacle that is holding us back. To begin, be honest with yourself. What do you need to do to improve your marriage and family life? Are your short and long term goals realistic? What will you have to do, and what will your partner and family have to do, to achieve them? Do research if needed, and write down your thoughts to help you work them out. Next, make sure your partner is on board. This might mean tweaking your ideas, and negotiating areas of compromise. Agree on the final goal, and discuss how you will face possible set-backs. Or make a back-up plan. However you do it – even if the goal is primarily focused on one of you, such as a career change – working together for a positive outcome can be an awesome bonding experience for a couple. Then, discuss and evaluate – but never recriminate. As you work toward your goals, one or both of you may lose focus. That’s when it’s time to regroup and discuss what’s working and what’s not. It’s also a good time make sure you’re still on the same page and to recommit to your goal. Never forget that you are partners; however you do finally come to terms, the most important thing is to figure out how to do it with respect. Finally, celebrate your achievements. Remember that with every success – no matter how small – you are naturally enriching your marriage by growing hand-in-hand. ====================== Debra W. Gould, MS is the president of Debra Gould & Associates, Inc. based in New Orleans and provides management consulting and training services to commercial and government clients. Debra is one of the founders of The Ebony Speakers and co-author of the book, Real Women, Real Issues - Positive Collaborations For Business Success. Debra can be reached at: (504) 244-6576, email: djgould@gouldassoc.com and website: www:gouldassoc.com By Debra Gould, MS Part Two In A Four Part Series  In so many ways the modern world is a blessing: for all our trials and tribulations, we experience longer lives, better health, and more opportunity for mental and spiritual growth than any generation before us.
On the other hand, with the demands of family and career, as well as the distractions of technology, we feel busier – and our lives feel more fragmented – than ever. In the midst of our hectic days, it is far too easy to take for granted the thing we count on most: the strength and support of our marriage. Most of us know better. We’ve read the articles that tell us to plan date nights, or take up hobbies together. But somehow we still feel comfortable enough to put our most important relationship on the back burner. We trust that even if we don’t tend to it today, that’s okay. Our partner will still be there tomorrow. I’m sure you can see where this is going. In fact, I’m absolutely confident that I won’t even have to explain myself when I tell you that you must not take your partner for granted. So that continually building your relationship doesn’t feel like another chore on your already heavy to-do list, I have two simple ideas that can help you cut through the chaos of life, and ensure that you and your partner keep growing together. 1 - Be positive. It’s easy to carry home the stress of the outside world. Sometimes it seems we can’t help but take our frustrations and weariness out on the ones closest to us. But that doesn’t make your marriage or your home a happy place to be. Your marriage and home are sanctuaries that need to be protected. Find ways to keep negativity out and love, relaxation, and generosity in. This will help ensure that through thick and thin, your marriage and your home will be where you both most want to stay. 2 – Communicate. It never ceases to amaze me how many couples will go through an entire day or longer without having a real conversation (that is to say, one that’s not focused on the logistics of running a household or taking care of the kids). Talking about goals, dreams, ideas, and opinions keeps each of you in touch with how the other is thinking, growing, and even changing. You can live side by side, and still grow apart if you’re not regularly sharing your true thoughts. Don’t ignore a subject because you’re afraid you’ll disagree. Working respectfully through conflict – truly listening, negotiating, and compromising – can help make the bonds of a marriage even stronger. Remember: Love is a beautiful plant – it must be nurtured if you want it to survive. ========================== Debra W. Gould, MS is the president of Debra Gould & Associates, Inc. based in New Orleans and provides management consulting and training services to commercial and government clients. Debra is one of the founders of The Ebony Speakers and co-author of the book, Real Women, Real Issues - Positive Collaborations For Business Success. Debra can be reached at: (504) 244-6576, email: djgould@gouldassoc.com and website: www:gouldassoc.com By Debra Gould, MS Part One In A Four Part Series  Making sure you have a foundation you can build on.
Falling in love is one of the most glorious experiences in life. It feels like a miracle to find that person who makes you even happier and stronger than you are on your own. That person who inspires you to be your best self. There is no doubt true love is a force of nature, one to be protected, exalted, and sanctified by commitment. But before you take the step of making vows, you may also want to consider the many hard lessons learned by couples like Joe and I who have been married for decades. These are lessons that can help you avoid pitfalls that can derail even the deepest love. In my experience, the number one thing you have to know before you get married: yourself. You must know who you are, why you are like you are, what you want from life and, just as importantly, what you don’t. Understanding yourself, your priorities, and your motivations – the good and the bad – will help you know whether you and your partner are truly right for each other. Once you fully understand yourself at this stage in your life, you can move on the next foundation of commitment: shared values. It doesn’t matter if your partner likes a different kind of music, a different kind of food, or has an old friend you don’t care for. More important is whether your partner sees your life together the way you do. Make sure you have similar attitudes in all the important areas: money, faith, children, and family. You need to know that you’re both envisioning the same future and believe in the same goals -- otherwise you may never reach them. And finally, the thing that all relationships should be based on: respect. Speak with respect, listen with respect, treat each other with the patience, generosity, and kindness that show respect. This is what will keep love alive, especially through hard times. I promise you, if you do all three of these things, you will lay the foundations for a happier, healthier, more supportive marriage. ======================== Debra W. Gould, MS is the president of Debra Gould & Associates, Inc. based in New Orleans and provides management consulting and training services to commercial and government clients. Debra is one of the founders of The Ebony Speakers and co-author of the book, Real Women, Real Issues - Positive Collaborations For Business Success. Debra can be reached at: (504) 244-6576, email: djgould@gouldassoc.com and website: www:gouldassoc.com Nancy J. Lewis, MS, SHRM-CP, PHR, RCC  In the world of business and life, it is so important to strive to make sure our words and actions are congruent. So often, we commit and make promises that we fall short of fulfilling. Yes, the reality is life happens and we forget, get busy or simply forget what we committed to. But the person, you committed to is holding you to what you promised. You may say well things happen and I just forgot. That may be true, but the world is very, very small and broken promises can come back and haunt you. It is critical that we as professionals make sure our words and actions are in alignment. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you say, people believe what you do. So here are a few questions and tips to help you the next time someone asks something of you.
1. Stop and ask yourself is this something I can do based on the things going on in my life and on my calendar? 2. Would someone else on my staff or network be able to help them with this? 3. Is this busy work I am a committing to or is it something that is in line with my goals? 4. If I commit to this, am I writing it down or putting it in my phone at the time of discussion? Determine who is charged with the responsibility of the follow up. 5. Think carefully before you respond and commit as you cannot be all things to all people. 6. Sometimes you simply have to say "NO." 7. When you drop the ball and forget, call, email or text and extend your apologies. This shows respect and that you value the person and is good business etiquette. The bottom line is we need to remember an old phrase used many times in business, "Under promise and over deliver. Little things really do matter when you are dealing with people...BEintentional with what you say and do!  By Michelle Porchia There are some topics that people are uncomfortable discussing. One of them is getting your “affairs” in order. People see it as talking about death or as a “dark” subject. Having gone through and still going through trying to handle the affairs of my parents, my hope is that this gentle urging will help you and/or your family members to have a less stressful journey if you ever have to deal with illness. If you are over 18, you need to have your papers in order. As you continue your journey in life, you will need to add or update your documents.
I have had many people respond, “I have a will.” That is good and everyone needs a will. Wills are for after the person passes on. I’m talking about making sure you are taken care of while you are alive and that your loved ones have an easier time. Please understand, I am not a legal expert. Full disclosure: I am a daughter that has had to deal with illness of parents and having to handle their affairs. It was easy with my mother because she had everything in order. It has not been easy with my dad. I don’t want my daughters/granddaughters to have to stress or struggle if I become ill or incapacitated. Documents You Will Need At Some Point in Your Life:
Peace! -Michelle By Michelle Porchia  Now that the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, visiting, stressing and overeating is over, what do you do with yourself?
Are you a person who makes New Year’s resolutions that rarely get fulfilled? Do you have angst over the fact that you overspent for the holidays and now you are facing the bills from all the gifts you bought? Are you already thinking about next Christmas (you know who you are)? Do you have high hopes for a better 2019? Before we address some specific issues, let’s look at some overall skills that will help you enter 2019 in a good space. First, INHALE/EXHALE. Secondly, be still. Third, reflect. It is important that you breathe. Inhale peace and exhale stress. We tend to breathe shallow and breathing is life to our body. So take time to breathe fully and completely. You breathe from your diaphragm, not your chest. Let it in slowly. Let it out slowly. You need to be intentional about taking time to breathe daily. Really! If you want to know how important breathing is, ask someone who is asthmatic or has breathing issues what it feels like not to be able to take a full breath. We are told to “be still.” You’ve heard me say this before. We’ve become human doers and we were created as human beings. We need to learn to simply BE. We need to remember to stop and to be still. Yet we feel living is about being in constant motion. Not so. Try this exercise: Turn out the lights, light a candle or use a battery-operated candle, and just be still. Focus on the flame. Listen to your inner voice – your inner spiritual voice. Try this for at least 5 minutes. Reflect. Try journaling your thoughts. How was 2018 for you? What went well and what would you have liked to have done differently? Did you spend time with the people who are important to you – including YOU? Did you spend your time when and where you wanted? This is also where you can address the questions above. Don’t beat up on yourself. Simply listen as you reflect, access and then decide “now what?” My suggestions for 2019:
Here’s to a happy, healthy and peaceful 2019! Adapted from How To Move On After The Holidays (2012)  You'll enhance your courage and confidence in these encore blog posts from the Ebony Speakers. Happy Reading!Debra Gould
You Survived The Pink Slip...Now What?? http://www.ebonyspeakers.com/ebony-speakers-blog/you-survived-the-pink-slipnow-what Michelle Porchia Tis The Season...Or Not http://www.ebonyspeakers.com/ebony-speakers-blog/tis-the-seasonor-not Carole Copeland Thomas The History of Watch Night Services In The Black Church http://www.ebonyspeakers.com/ebony-speakers-blog/the-history-of-watch-night-services-in-the-black-church Nancy Lewis Seven Steps For Developing A Better YOU! http://www.ebonyspeakers.com/ebony-speakers-blog/seven-steps-for-developing-a-better-you By Debra W. Gould, MS  As a leader, do you realize that every action you take and every interaction you have leaves a lasting impact on others? You can have the best of intentions, but if your impact isn't aligned with the intention, then your leadership may not be as effective as it could be. Why? Because in the end, what matters is not who you think you are, but the experience that other people have with you. Your impact leaves a lasting mark and this blog we share these steps to ensure you have a positive impact.
1. Detail the kind of impact you want to have. Most leaders have never detailed their personal creed, but doing so can be incredibly powerful. Therefore, get clear about who you think you are. Who are you and what do you stand for? What do you value? What is your personal creed or stance in the roles that are most important to you in your life? How do you want to be known in your company and industry? Once you have those questions answered, ask the most important question of all: "How do the things I just detailed show up when I'm frustrated or when things aren't going well? Who am I then?" It's easy to be all of those lovely things when everything is going well. But what about when things aren't going well? How do you want to show up during the hard times? How do you want to be known when things are tough? How do you want people to experience you in the midst of adversity? Most leaders lose credibility when things are bad because they haven't thought about who they are in those situations and the kind of impact they'll have. 2. Change your impact, not yourself. If the results of the feedback you receive don't align with your personal perceptions about yourself, it's time to make some changes-not to you, but to your impact. As long as the new approach you try supports your values and what you deem as important, then you're acting with integrity and in alignment with your goals. In closing, find out how others view your impact. An example of a direct approach is talking with someone you trust face-to-face and asking specific questions so you can get key insights. Debra W. Gould, MS is the president of Debra Gould & Associates, Inc. based in New Orleans and provides management consulting and training services to commercial and government clients. Debra is one of the founders of The Ebony Speakers and co-author of the book, Real Women, Real Issues - Positive Collaborations For Business Success. Debra can be reached at: (504) 244-6576 email: djgould@gouldassoc.com and website: www:gouldassoc.com  By Michelle Porchia "l can't take time for myself until after I get everything else done."
This is a common statement when I ask people if they take time for themselves. Many people think that it is selfish to put yourself first. It actually will help you have more energy and be more productive when you take time to rest and rejuvenate and even do things you enjoy. Nowadays everyone is so busy going and doing instead of being that everyone needs innergizing. Innergize Day is scheduled for the day after Autumn begins every year because that is when the earth goes to rest. I want you to rest. According to Wikipedia, a "siesta" is a short nap taken in the early afternoon, often after the midday meal. Such a period of sleep is a common tradition in some countries, particularly those where the weather is warm. The siesta is historically common throughout the Mediterranean and Southern Europe. It is the traditional daytime sleep of Spain and, through Spanish influence, many Hispanic countries. The word siesta of the Spanish language derives originally from the Latin word hora sexta "sixth hour" (counting from dawn, hence "midday rest"). Siesta is also common in Southern Italy (there called riposo), where museums, churches and shops close during midday so that proprietors can go home for a long lunch and perhaps a snooze during the day's hottest hours. When I was in Italy, it was important to remember to get things done before 1 p.m. or after 3 p.m. because most of the shops and restaurants closed except those who chose to cater to Americans. I must admit, I totally enjoyed having that respite time. Imagine if we incorporated a respite into our lives on a daily basis? It doesn't have to be 2 hours. We can start small and schedule15-30 minutes a week to do something for ourselves and then try to expand it to15-30 minutes a day. Here are a few things you can implement immediately. Take Your Breaks. There is a tendency to skip lunch and breaks while we work—or we eat while we work. It is important to take periodic breaks to rest your body and mind. When you rest your mind, you are more productive and creative. It is also important to eat properly (this does not mean eating at your desk and working through lunch). Entrepreneurs: You Are Your Business. Investing in taking care of your mind, body and spirit is investing in the foundation of your business. If you are not able to work, your business may suffer. It is crucial to make health and happiness a priority while developing your business. If you work 24/7, you will burn out. You need to schedule time for you in the same way you do for your clients. You can't give 110% — you don't have it to give. Celebrate. There were two very popular songs out, "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen and "Happy" from the movie Despicable Me 2 (2013). Both songs talk about being yourself and enjoying life. Celebrate life. Celebrate the little things as well as the big things. You don't have to celebrate elaborately. You can do simple things like put on music and dance like no one is watching...they aren't. Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On" (2006) talks about putting on music and letting your hair down. Treat yourself to a new book (and allow yourself time to read it), buy your favorite tea or latte and sit outside while you can and enjoy the good weather/people watch. Go to bed early, watch a movie in bed, etc. Whatever you choose to do is fine, just do something that is solely for you. INNERGIZE DAY “I just don’t have time to do the personal things I want or need to do for myself.” Have you ever said that? Or something like that? If you have, Innergize Day is a day set aside for you. It is a time when you can devote some attention to your own personal endeavors—a “do anything you want to do for yourself” day! Innergize Day is celebrated the day after autumn begins because we need to do as the Earth does: experience a time of hibernation to prepare for renewal. It is a forced day of rest, when observers relax, reflect, and rejuvenate. My goal is to get people to start with one day per year, progress to one day per month, then one day per week, and eventually an hour per day. It is a time of “self-celebration” to be incorporated into one’s daily lifestyle. FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT MICHELLE PORCHIA: http://innerdimensionsllc.com |
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